Not Knowing Sucks

I’ve tried to keep this blog honest and informative, while avoiding an all-too-easy devolution into a daily rant or pity-pot diary of complaints. I’ve also tried to keep a positive attitude in my real life. To roll with the complications and setbacks. To truly believe that it’s all temporary and leading to a better life. To be strong and stoic and patient and brave. I succeed most days and, even when I find myself stewing or angry or scared or sad, it’s usually fleeting. But since coming home from the hospital after my emergency surgery, it’s been difficult. By my count, since June 27, I’ve had maybe 3 weeks of relative comfort. For the other 15 weeks, I’ve been in pain. Sometimes minor, sometimes unbearable, but always something.

I’ve been on medical leave from work for 10 weeks total, with at least another 10 days on the horizon (not to mention whatever I will need following my eventual re-takedown surgery). Although I’m extremely grateful for my employer’s support (which has been pretty incredible), it’s starting to get ridiculous. I’m a lawyer. I work with smart, talented people. I write. I solve problems. I help people. I win stuff. I give advice. That’s what I do. In many ways, that’s who I am. And I haven’t been able to do it. For months. Walking around the block three times a day, strategically timing my pain meds, and trying not to watch too much TV simply doesn’t fill that void.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. It’s already not what I sat down to write. But the tears are streaming down my face, so it must be what I was supposed to write. I’m not depressed. But I am a little sad. And I’m frustrated. And tired. And angry. And scared. But I’m also grateful. And hopeful. It will get better. I know that. What I don’t know is when, and not knowing sucks.

This entry was posted in Ileostomy, J-Pouch, Surgery, Ulcerative Colitis and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Not Knowing Sucks

  1. Pingback: What Ails Me Today | Know Guts

  2. Liza Roth says:

    Ben – I can’t even imagine what you and your wife (and your furry children) are going through! You are way too young to have to be dealing with all of this. If anyone had cause to complain about anything, it would be you. Your honesty is inspiring; it’s not easy to be so openly vulnerable. I know that you weren’t soliciting any “oh poor you” comments by posting this and I hope that is not how this reads.

    I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. Let me know if you want to borrow my Civics scrapbook as a way to fill the void with something other than TV. 🙂

  3. Pingback: Stoma Stories, Episode 12: “That’s OK.” | Know Guts

  4. Paul Taylor. says:

    Never try to diminish your humanity. Those tears which flowed today are well-deserved. Honor your genuineness with them. Proud of you.

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